Roasted May 22, 202681 views81 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
With fewer people than a Costco on Black Friday, Stanwood has the personality of a frozen dinner. You know a town's desperate when its biggest claim to fame is that the state's record heat happened somewhere else and you still brought it up.
Nothing screams "small-town success" like being home to a bottling plant that pumps your groundwater out of the earth and ships it off in plastic. Your entire economic identity is based on letting a multinational corporation commodify the one natural resource you have left, and the logo on the bottle has changed hands so many times you can't even pick a company to be mad at.
You named your fancy golf resort community "Canadian Lakes" in the middle of Michigan, hours from the actual Canadian border, like a guy who says he's "basically in Paris" because he owns a beret. It's like calling your backyard pool "The Atlantic Ocean" and charging resort fees for the privilege of pretending you're somewhere better.
Your crown jewel is a golf course so fancy it's got a nationally ranked reputation, in a town where the median activity is watching the corn grow. Even the course name sounds like a rejected Harry Potter location that couldn't make it past the rough draft.
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