OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
With fewer people than a Costco on Black Friday, Stanwood proudly holds the record for Michigan's hottest temperature while somehow maintaining the personality of a frozen dinner. You know a town's desperate when their biggest accomplishment is sharing a weather record with another town nobody's heard of.
Nothing screams "small-town success" like being home to a Nestlé bottling plant that literally sucks your groundwater and sells it back to you. Your entire economic identity is based on letting a multinational corporation commodify the one natural resource you have left.
You named your fancy golf resort community "Canadian Lakes" because apparently being adjacent to actual Canada wasn't impressive enough. It's like calling your backyard pool "The Atlantic Ocean" and charging resort fees for the privilege of pretending you're somewhere better.
Your crown jewel is a golf course that exists solely so retirees from Grand Rapids can pretend they're living the good life while overpaying for mediocre fairway conditions. Even the course name sounds like a rejected Harry Potter location that couldn't make it past the rough draft.
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