OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Welcome to Petoskey, where grown adults spend entire vacations hunched over beaches like demented prospectors, desperately searching for rocks that look like coral honeycombs. These people literally named their town after fossilized dead sea creatures and made it the state stone, because apparently Michigan's bar for geological excitement is underground-level low.
Petoskey's restaurant scene revolves around one fish like it's the second coming of caviar. Every menu features 'planked whitefish' like it's some revolutionary cooking technique instead of just putting fish on wood. The locals act like Great Lakes seafood is exotic when it's basically the aquatic equivalent of eating your neighbor's goldfish.
They named their downtown 'Gaslight District' because of some old-timey lamps, then proceeded to fill it with 170 shops selling the exact same Petoskey stone jewelry and Michigan-themed t-shirts. It's like a Victorian-themed strip mall that thinks antique gas fixtures make overpriced boutiques somehow 'historic charm.'
Petoskey won't shut up about Ernest Hemingway spending summers here as a kid, like childhood proximity to future greatness makes your town special. They've turned a writer's formative years into a full marketing campaign, complete with plaques and self-guided tours, because nothing says 'literary significance' like commemorating where someone learned to fish before they could spell.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
2 people have voted
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM PETOSKEY
Every share moves Petoskey, Michigan up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when Petoskey, Michigan gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →ALSO ROASTED
All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.