OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Indian River really said 'we can't be first in anything, but we can build the world's second biggest Jesus statue!' Because nothing screams spiritual fulfillment quite like constantly explaining to tourists that Kentucky beat you by five feet. At least 300,000 people a year show up to gawk at your bronze participation trophy.
Indian River is so small that their biggest claim to fame is being 'between' two lakes—literally defining themselves by what they're sandwiched between. The entire town could fit in a Walmart parking lot, but hey, at least you've got three rivers and four lakes to choose from when you inevitably need to escape.
Nothing says 'we've run out of ideas' quite like greeting visitors with a 32-foot fiberglass fish. Indian River spent fundraising dollars on a giant sturgeon statue because apparently the world's second-largest crucifix wasn't quirky enough. Welcome to town, here's our dead fish!
Burt and Mullett Lakes are Michigan's fourth and fifth largest inland lakes, which is basically the geographical equivalent of being the third-place bronze medalist's younger siblings. Even your geography screams 'almost but not quite!' At least the water's nice?
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