OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
BusinessWeek called you the 42nd best place to raise kids in 2007 - and you've been coasting on that participation trophy ever since. Your biggest claim to fame is a lake that's smaller than most Walmart parking lots and an amusement park that died during the Nixon administration. Nothing says 'thriving community' like peaking with a wooden roller coaster in the 1940s.
461 acres of water and you act like you've got Lake Superior in your backyard. Two whole sailing clubs for a pond that wouldn't qualify as a decent bass fishing spot in most states. The highlight of your lake is that it used to be called Pine Lake until someone realized there were too many Pine Lakes in Michigan - even the state was embarrassed by your lack of originality.
Your school district's mission is to make kids 'READY TO SHAPE THEIR FUTURE' - which apparently means 'ready to commute 22 minutes to a government job in Lansing.' The most diverse thing about your schools is whether kids end up at Michigan State or Central Michigan. Your high school's biggest achievement is having a choir that performed at MSU once - congratulations on making it 10 miles from home.
You're like the human equivalent of asking for ranch dressing on everything - technically part of Michigan but missing all the flavor. Your downtown is so forgettable that even your own residents drive to East Lansing for entertainment. The most exciting thing that's happened since 1974 was probably someone opening a new Subway.
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