OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Calling yourself the 'Gateway to Starved Rock' is like being the appetizer nobody ordered before the main course. You're literally just the toll booth on the way to something people actually want to see. Your entire identity is being geographically convenient to a place that's infinitely cooler than you.
Nothing says 'we peaked in the 1970s' like basing your entire cultural calendar around a Civil War-era slop recipe. You've got grown adults stirring kettles with canoe paddles like they're cosplaying pioneers, all for a stew that's basically fancy prison food. The fact that 40,000 people show up annually proves Illinois has a serious shortage of entertainment options.
You're technically called 'North Utica' but market yourself as just 'Utica' because even you know nobody cares about the directional qualifier. It's giving desperate small-town energy when your biggest claim to fame is being a rest stop for people heading to actual attractions. At least you're honest about being in the Ottawa 'Micropolitan' area—emphasis on 'micro.'
The 2004 F3 tornado that ripped through your downtown caused $8 million in damage and killed 8 people—and it's somehow still the most exciting thing that's happened to Utica in decades. Even Mother Nature was bored enough to try redecorating your business district. At least the tornado made national news; your Burgoo Festival barely makes it past LaSalle County.
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