OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Wheaton has more churches per capita than any town in America because apparently converting the heathens requires a backup plan on every corner. Your town literally built its identity around being so aggressively Christian that Billy Graham's museum couldn't find anywhere else pure enough to land.
You literally had to steal the county seat from Naperville through a midnight raid like some evangelical Ocean's Eleven crew. Even in 1867, you were so desperate for relevance that you conducted literal courthouse heists to matter.
Your food scene peaks at the "Seven Dwarfs Family Restaurant" - a 60-year-old diner with Disney characters painted on the walls. Nothing says culinary sophistication like eating scrambled eggs while Grumpy judges your life choices from a mural.
You brag about being "#27 Best Place to Live in America" like that's not just another participation trophy. Your biggest flex is having good public schools and being walkable - congratulations, you've achieved the bare minimum of functional city planning.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
1 person has voted
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM WHEATON
Every share moves Wheaton, Illinois up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when Wheaton, Illinois gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →ALSO ROASTED
All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.