Roasted Mar 10, 2026230 views5 shares235 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Wheaton has so many churches that converting the heathens clearly requires a backup plan on every corner. Your town built its identity around being so aggressively Christian that it's nicknamed the Evangelical Vatican, and Billy Graham's museum sits on the college campus because that's where he went to school. Even his legacy needed a hometown dorm room to crash in.
You had to take the county seat from Naperville through a night raid on the records, like some evangelical Ocean's Eleven crew. Even in 1867, you were so desperate for relevance that you pulled a courthouse heist just to matter.
Your food scene peaks at the "Seven Dwarfs Family Restaurant" - a diner named after a cartoon about seven tiny miners. Nothing says culinary sophistication like eating scrambled eggs at a place whose whole theme is Grumpy judging your life choices.
You brag about being one of the "Best Places to Live in America" like that's not just another participation trophy. Your biggest flex is having good public schools and being walkable - congratulations, you've achieved the bare minimum of functional city planning.
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