OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Villa Olivia is Illinois' brave attempt at creating mountains in a place flatter than a pancake. Skiers report slopes that are 'basically pure ice' with tow ropes operated by kids who turn them off for fun, leaving people stranded mid-hill. Nothing says winter sports paradise like paying premium prices to slide down what amounts to a frozen parking lot.
This suburban wonderland boasts a whopping 12.4% Polish population and 9.2% Italian heritage, because apparently Luther Bartlett's train depot was a magnet for people who really, really love pierogis and pasta. The most exotic thing about this place is their massive Hindu temple, which must feel like it landed on an alien planet surrounded by strip malls and Dairy Queens.
Being ranked the 9th safest city in America is Bartlett's equivalent of getting a participation trophy for existing. When your biggest excitement is the annual 4th of July parade with '100% participation' and outdoor movies that stop for trains, crime doesn't have much competition. Even the criminals are probably too bored to commit felonies here.
This place transformed from actual farmland into cookie-cutter suburbia faster than you can say 'urban sprawl.' The Newport Boulevard area went from wheat and cornfields to McMansions in the 1980s, because nothing says progress like paving over perfectly good agriculture to build houses that all look exactly the same. At least the limestone is still there, buried under someone's driveway.
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