OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Imagine being so desperate for geographic credibility that you add 'Heights' to your name because some parts rise a whopping 10 feet above sea level. That's not a height, that's what happens when someone leaves their bike on the lawn. Even Kansas is embarrassed for you.
Residents literally complain that their neighbors are 'very noisy and puts complaints with very small things to the police department.' You've created a community where calling 911 is the preferred method of conflict resolution. Your police probably have a special hotline for grass-height violations.
Your entire culinary identity is 'tucked away in strip malls' with restaurants reviewers describe as having 'very mediocre food' and places that are 'usually dead on weekdays.' Even your own residents admit the town is 'very bland' and they find themselves eating in other towns instead.
Your two most famous residents are a depressed rock star who peaked in the '90s and a convicted computer criminal. That's not a celebrity roster, that's a support group for people who made questionable life choices. At least they both had the sense to leave.
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