Roasted Mar 9, 202683 views83 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Imagine being so desperate for geographic credibility that you add 'Heights' to your name when your elevation is a flat, cornfield-grade 750 feet above sea level, the same as every other suburb in DuPage County. That's not a height, that's what happens when a developer discovers the word 'Heights' sells houses. Even Kansas is embarrassed for you.
Residents literally complain that their neighbors are 'very noisy and puts complaints with very small things to the police department.' You've created a community where calling 911 is the preferred method of conflict resolution. Your police probably have a special hotline for grass-height violations.
Your entire culinary identity is 'tucked away in strip malls' with restaurants reviewers describe as having 'very mediocre food' and places that are 'usually dead on weekdays.' Even your own residents admit the town is 'very bland' and they find themselves eating in other towns instead.
Your idea of a celebrity roster is a Wikipedia page nobody has bothered to update and a vague sense that someone famous once drove through on North Avenue. That's not a list of notable residents, that's a support group for people who Googled 'famous people from Glendale Heights' and closed the tab in shame. Even the stars have the sense to stay away.
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