Bloomfield, New Jersey

Roasted 1w ago35 views35 pts

We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.

GEOGRAPHY

A town so forgettable it's newark's spare suburb

Britannica describes Bloomfield as 'a northwestern suburb of Newark,' which is the geographic equivalent of being introduced as someone's plus-one. You're 5.36 square miles of Tudor-Revival houses wedged between East Orange, Montclair, and Glen Ridge, and every one of those neighbors has a better brand. Even your most famous park, Brookdale, was designed by the Olmsted Brothers firm, so the one good thing here was outsourced to the Central Park family business.

VIBES

Bragging about a park you had to share with montclair

Brookdale Park is the town's pride and joy, and it sits half in Bloomfield and half in Montclair, so even your crown jewel is a custody arrangement. When you jog the track at sunrise like you're in a Patagonia ad, remember the Montclair side is judging your pace. It's a lovely park, though, designed by the Olmsted Brothers and run by the county, which means you didn't even build your own pride and joy.

VIBES

Your nightlife is a go-go bar and a dunkin'

Bloomfield's after-dark scene is Titillations Go-Go Bar, which is the exact itinerary of a bachelor party run by someone who gave up halfway. The police blotter reads like a sitcom pitch nobody greenlit, and the town's idea of a night out is whatever's still open on Bloomfield Avenue. Nowhere else does 'let's just go to the diner' count as a bold nightlife strategy.

FOOD

The big food news is arguing about pizza

Your culinary peak is arguing on Facebook about which pizza place is least disappointing, in a state where people will fight you over a slice. Meanwhile the fast food scene is a standoff between chains that are one parking lot away in every direction, because you're so close to Newark and Montclair that nobody bothers to bring the good stuff to you. Thank God for Holsten's, because the rest of the menu is carbs and Dunkin' loyalty.