Roasted Jun 2, 202695 views95 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Congratulations Toms River, you managed to turn childhood cancer into a tourist attraction! The Ciba-Geigy chemical plant spent decades dumping toxic waste straight into your drinking water, creating one of the most notorious cancer clusters in American history. Even the Pulitzer Prize-winning book about your town is a story about how badly you poisoned your own kids.
Your crown jewel is a mall, which is like bragging about being the smartest kid in summer school. The biggest excitement you've had in years was getting a P.F. Chang's, and locals acted like the Pope had moved to town. Nothing says 'thriving metropolis' quite like a dying mall where the big draw is a chain restaurant.
Sure, your kids won the Little League World Series in 1998, but your town also had statistically elevated rates of childhood cancer thanks to decades of chemical contamination. Talk about mixed messages - celebrating athletic achievement while your groundwater was literally toxic. At least the trophies weren't radioactive, right?
You're one of New Jersey's biggest towns, yet somehow completely forgettable. Your biggest cultural export is being the place people drive through to get to the actual Jersey Shore. You're so aggressively suburban that your main attraction is a sports dome called 'The Bubble,' because nothing says excitement like youth sports under an inflated roof.
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