Roasted Jun 3, 202693 views93 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Imagine naming your town after a mystical paradise and then turning it into a playground for finance bros who think a beach house is a personality. This place has about as much magic as a strip mall, just with eight-figure homes that scream 'I peaked in private equity.' Even Excalibur couldn't cut through this level of pretentiousness.
With barely over a thousand year-round residents and a median age that rivals a Florida bingo hall, Avalon is essentially God's waiting room with beach access. Their motto 'Cooler by a Mile' really means 'emptier by a generation' - it's like someone took a retirement community and gave it waterfront property. Only a few people live on the island year-round once summer ends, because apparently even rich people get bored when there's no one left to flex on.
Nothing says 'refined coastal living' like driving to the pizza place for an afternoon snack in your Range Rover. The food is not what attracts visitors - shocking revelation from a place where people pay millions just to eat boardwalk-quality pizza by the beach. At least the pizza's honest about what it is, unlike everything else here.
Nearly impossible to find a parking spot when traveling into town because older houses are replaced by massive mansions faster than you can say 'gentrification.' Avalon is among the most expensive towns in New Jersey, proving that even in a state famous for traffic and taxes, you can still find new ways to make life unnecessarily expensive. Nothing screams 'accessible beach town' like making visitors circle for hours just to feed a meter that eats quarters like a slot machine.
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