OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Your town bank literally got robbed twice in the '90s and still couldn't stay open. Even after reopening with $20 million in deposits, it closed again because apparently being ironic about money doesn't actually make you good at banking. Now you've got a Dollar General and some rusty junk in a field.
Median age of 62.5 means half your town remembers when that watermelon scandal was breaking news. You're so committed to being cheap that your café still refuses credit cards to avoid the fees. The most exciting thing that happened recently was your population growing from 73 to 79 people.
Your fine dining establishment features photos of dead movie stars, 'live entertainment' consisting of local gossip, and a strict cash-only policy because paying credit card fees would compromise their tightwad brand. The blue plate special costs under $10, which somehow still feels overpriced for a town named after being cheap.
Your entire town identity stems from one postman getting ripped off for half a dollar on produce. Some say it was a rooster instead of a watermelon, but honestly, does it matter? You built a whole municipality around the memory of bad customer service and somehow made it your entire personality.
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All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.