OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Imo's Pizza, the infamous St. Louis chain with its cracker-thin crust and creamy Provel cheese, has locals defending it like it's the holy grail while visitors declaring it "the worst pizza I have ever ordered" that "proves the pizza in St. Louis sucks." This processed amalgamation of cheddar, Swiss and provolone cheese that tastes mildly smoky basically turns your pizza into fancy cheese crackers.
To the rest of the country, St. Louis is "this unremarkable Midwestern flyover with a bizarre metal arch that's frankly more claustrophobia-inducing than it is awesome. To us, it's Mecca." You built your entire identity around being the "Gateway to the West" when everyone was just trying to get through you as fast as possible. A city proper of only 301,578 people calling itself the 20th-largest combined statistical area is like being the tallest kid in remedial math.
The "Delmar Divide" phenomenon, named for Delmar Boulevard which runs east and west across St. Louis, is St. Louis's way of making racial segregation sound like a trendy neighborhood feature. All but four of the 23 school districts have student populations that are at least 74% black or white, with 17 schools having majority-race percentages in the eighties or nineties. Nothing says "inclusive community" like living five minutes from diversity and never experiencing it.
St. Louis breeds diehard Cardinals fans who will tell you "they should have made that World Series against the Red Sox in 2013 their 12th championship." Kids from St. Louis "bear a bizarre level of pride for everything about our modest city" and are "indignantly, genuinely, parochially proud." Your baseball team's success peaked when your great-grandparents were alive, but you act like you personally won those championships while eating toasted ravioli.
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