OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
This place thinks it's a quaint river town but it's just Kansas City suburbs cosplaying as rural charm. With a median household income of $101,092, these folks drive their Range Rovers to 'downtown' Parkville to buy artisanal jam and pretend they discovered some hidden gem. It's 20 minutes from Kansas City but acts like it's isolated farmland.
Parkville's food scene reads like a parody of itself: authentic French cuisine from 'Champagne natives,' American Wagyu beef hot dogs from a 'veteran-owned farm,' and artisanal coffee roasters because apparently Starbucks wasn't sophisticated enough. Nothing says 'I'm cultured' like paying $20 for a fancy hot dog while sitting next to limestone bluffs pretending you're in Napa Valley.
Parkville's founder was so anti-slavery that angry Missourians literally threw his printing press into the Missouri River in 1855. The town's been trying to live down that dramatic founding story ever since, but somehow still managed to have a racial incident at Park Hill South High School make national news in 2021. Some things never change in Missouri.
Parkville has 105% more tornado activity than the national average, including an F5 that killed 44 people just 21 miles away. But sure, keep bragging about your 'award-winning lifestyle' at The National Golf Club while living in nature's bowling alley. At least when the next twister hits, you'll have those limestone bluffs to hide behind while your artisanal coffee shop gets yeeted to Kansas.
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