OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Only Richmond would take a beautiful Double-A ballpark and name their team after something that literally glides from tree to tree because it can't be bothered to actually fly. Your minor league baseball team was named through a reader contest that rejected "Hambones" for being offensive, then settled on Flying Squirrels like that was somehow less embarrassing. At least the team slogan "Have FUNN, Go NUTS" admits this whole thing is a joke.
Richmond spent four years as the Confederate capital, and now desperately wants everyone to know they have craft breweries and trendy restaurants. Young transplants stay because it's "cheaper than larger cities" and has "hip" things like breweries and nouveau Southern cuisine. Nothing says authentic cool like frantically explaining to everyone that you're totally different now and definitely not stuck in the past.
Richmonders still worship a defunct grocery store chain called Ukrop's and get genuinely excited about rainbow cookies that you can now only find online. Your idea of local pride is literally "pass the rainbow cookies". Most cities have signature dishes that are actually impressive, but Richmond's culinary identity peaked with grocery store bakery items that your mom used to buy.
Virginia can't figure out what it is, and Richmond perfectly embodies this identity crisis as a "perpetual purple state" filled with "beach-loving rednecks". You desperately explain that Northern Virginia is full of Yankees while Richmond is "the South" with "southern hospitality," as if anyone asked. Eighty percent of people who work in Richmond don't even live there because apparently even your own workforce knows better.
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