OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Your population is 42.6% white, 27.5% Asian, and 100% convinced they're too important for traffic laws because they work "near DC." You're not from DC - you live in a suburban wasteland where the most exciting thing is deciding between strip mall #47 and strip mall #73 for dinner.
You turned the site of actual Confederate fortifications into a place where your biggest conflict is merging onto I-66 during rush hour. At least when Colonel Mosby's Rangers used your hillsides, they had somewhere important to go - unlike your daily commute to another beige office building.
Congratulations, you're technically not even a real town - just a "census-designated place" that can't decide if it wants to be Centreville or Centerville. Your claim to fame is being the biggest unincorporated blob in Fairfax County, which is like being the tallest person at a dwarf convention.
Your "interesting, if not frustrating traffic pattern" requires a one-mile detour just to access the other side of I-66 - the same highway that carries 30,000 vehicles per day through your strip mall paradise. Even your road engineers gave up and just called it "interesting" instead of admitting they designed a suburban nightmare.
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