Roasted 1w ago20 views20 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Elon wants to colonize the red planet, but your Mars has a Superburger and a salad bar, which is a better offer. The town is under a square mile, so the "Fightin' Planets" could cross the entire borough and still have time to hit the Smiley Cookie line. Also, the Eat'n Park nearby is on Perry Highway and technically in Cranberry, so the place can't even keep its own address straight.
Mars has a population of about 1,458, and the town's biggest personality trait is a flying saucer in the park. That's a lot of pride for a place nobody can find on a map of the world. You're a dot on a Pennsylvania highway map, and you still named the high school newspaper after the solar system.
Your teams are the Fightin' Planets, which means every Friday night some kid in a foam costume is trying to intimidate a rival by being a large rock. Opponents hear "Planets" and think the game is about to be educational. The mascot is a ball of gas and dirt, and it's still more menacing than the Route 228 traffic.
Mars's whole identity is that it's between Pittsburgh and Butler, which is the geographic equivalent of being the middle seat on a Spirit flight. Every real estate listing calls it a "charming blend of small-town appeal and luxury living," meaning a pricey home and a downtown of boutiques and cafes. Meanwhile the neighboring township has exploded from a few thousand people in 1970 to tens of thousands, so Mars is a cute little downtown that the Cranberry sprawl is slowly eating, one Route 228 strip mall at a time.
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