OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Your crowning historical achievement is literally throwing a gate in a river because you couldn't handle paying tolls. Even your rebellion was petty suburban nonsense. You named the whole town after a women's college that closed in 1880 - talk about peaking early.
Sixty-two grand a year to attend a school ranked 84th in liberal arts colleges, where the most famous alum is a Nobel Prize winner from 1972. Your biggest cultural attraction is the Collegeville Italian Bakery that supposedly draws celebrities - because nothing screams A-list like suburban Pennsylvania carbs.
Your fine dining options include 'Troubles End Brewing' and 'My Friend's Tavern' - names that sound like they're trying to cure depression with nachos. The fact that students get excited about driving to Providence Town Center for Olive Garden tells you everything about Collegeville's culinary ambitions.
Your idea of outdoor adventure is a paved trail along a creek you can't even pronounce correctly. While Pennsylvania has actual mountains and wilderness, you've settled for suburban trail walking where the biggest danger is aggressive geese and cyclists in spandex.
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