OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
This is literally where every old person in America comes to retire, making it Florida's 5th largest city that nobody even knows exists. Congratulations on having more man-made canals than Venice, Italy - too bad nobody cares about your discount waterfront suburbia.
You've got 400 miles of canals and waterfront homes, but somehow managed to create the most boring boating community on earth. Even your own tourism guides admit Cape Coral 'is not a fancy town' - at least you're honest about your mediocrity.
The girl's bathroom is inaccessible due to pregnancy tests, and the regular bathrooms are a warzone with stolen doors and piss puddles on the ceiling. Nothing says quality education like broccoli-haired vapers and racist freshmen thinking they're comedians.
Your economy literally depends on medical services and retirement - you've basically become Florida's assisted living facility with a zip code. Enjoy the traffic nightmares when the snowbirds arrive, followed by summers so hot and humid you'll pray for the sweet release of hurricane season.
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