Roasted 1w ago17 views17 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
São Paulo has one of the largest helicopter fleets on Earth because the rich would rather fly over traffic than ever fix it. Meanwhile everyone else is 20 minutes late, texting 'trânsito, desculpa' like it's a legally recognized medical condition. Paulistanos spend hours of every single day stuck in transit, which is basically a part-time job with worse benefits.
The rest of Brazil is out there surfing and dancing while São Paulo is on a conference call at 9 PM on a Friday. Cariocas call you cold, boring, and secretly jealous of their beaches, and honestly, you're a concrete rainforest with a skyline you can't unwind to. You didn't build the economic engine of a nation, you built Brazil's biggest cubicle.
Pizza by the million, Sunday-night queues like it's a religious sacrament, and a smug certainty that you beat Naples at its own game. We get it, the Italians came, they stayed, and now you've got an accent and an opinion about mozzarella. Please just eat your pastel de feira in peace and stop yelling at the arugula.
In São Paulo, your bus driver, your teacher, and the guy who just overcharged you all cheer for Corinthians, and they will tell you about it. Meanwhile Palmeiras fans treat the derby like a custody battle, and São Paulo FC fans carry the name of the whole city while having one Copa do Brasil and a Brasileirão drought stretching back to 2008 to show for it. It's a city of 11 million people and three football religions, none of which has ever let you finish a sentence.
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