OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Congratulations on being the first city in the Americas to see the sunrise! Too bad that just means you get to watch disappointment arrive 3 hours earlier than the rest of Brazil. Your claim to fame is literally being the most eastern point, which is like bragging about being the first person to show up to a party nobody wants to attend.
Sure, 96 percent of tourists always come back - but that's because they forgot their dignity the first time and need to retrieve it. When your biggest selling point is that people need multiple attempts to figure out what they came for, that's not loyalty, that's confusion.
Your claim as the second greenest city in the world comes from a publicity stunt by the mayor during an Earth Summit. Imagine being so desperate for attention that you literally make up environmental credentials at an environmental conference. Even your trees are embarrassed.
A saxophonist performs Ravel's 'Bolero' from a boat at sunset each day, which sounds magical until you realize it's the same song EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Nothing says 'we peaked creatively in the 1870s' like turning a tourist attraction into musical Groundhog Day.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
Be the first to judge
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM JOÃO PESSOA
Every share moves João Pessoa, Brazil up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when João Pessoa, Brazil gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.