OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
San Francisco thinks it's a real city when it's literally just seven miles by seven miles of neighborhoods that subdivide themselves faster than tech startups fail. You can't walk three blocks without hitting a different micro-climate and a different trust fund kid explaining why their particular 0.2 square miles has the 'most authentic energy.'
Only in San Francisco would someone unironically serve a $50 piece of avocado toast with caviar and 24-karat gold leaf. They literally have restaurants dedicated to putting mashed fruit on sourdough, and people line up for it like it's the Second Coming. The city that invented paying $25 for what your grandma calls 'breakfast.'
Walking through SF is like attending the world's lamest tech bro convention where everyone's wearing the exact same Patagonia uniform. Whether it's a nano puff or fleece vest, these people have turned outdoor gear into the ultimate indoor flex. They're dressed for Everest but struggle to walk up Lombard Street.
San Franciscans have somehow made the nickname of their own city a hate crime. Say 'Frisco' and watch grown adults have emotional breakdowns about cultural erasure and linguistic authenticity. God forbid you call it 'San Fran' - they'll write a Medium article about how you've personally attacked their identity.
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All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.