OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Ah yes, the city that proudly calls itself the 'Heart of the Valley' — which is just medical terminology for 'the place where everything stops working.' You know you've peaked when your biggest claim to fame is being better at growing melons than having a personality. Even the Japanese workers they kicked out in 1921 probably dodged a bullet.
Nothing says 'thriving metropolis' like having your largest employer be a chicken processing plant that makes the whole town smell like industrial-grade poultry regret. They even had their own Foster Farms restaurants that failed so hard they became Starbucks — because apparently even corporate coffee is more appetizing than Turlock's homegrown cuisine.
Twenty percent Assyrian by 1930 because apparently fleeing persecution means settling in a place where the most exciting cultural event is the annual 'we're not Modesto' parade. The Assyrians brought their rich heritage to Turlock and got... a civic club that rents out for weddings. That's like bringing diamonds to a place that only sells cubic zirconia.
Home to Colin Kaepernick, who had the good sense to kneel during the national anthem — probably because he was praying for a transfer out of Turlock. It's telling that the city's most famous export is someone who became famous for protest. Even their sports teams are called the Warriors, which is optimistic considering they're fighting the good fight against relevance.
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