OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Reading literally peaked as a board game property and has been declining ever since. This is a city so desperate for relevance it claims fame for being "The Pretzel City" – imagine your biggest accomplishment being carbs shaped like rope. Even their minor league team is called the "Fightin Phils" because they can't even fight for their own identity.
The fact that Taylor Swift was born here but immediately fled to Nashville tells you everything you need to know about Reading's cultural offerings. When your most famous export is someone who literally wrote songs about leaving small towns behind, maybe take the hint. Even scrapple has more staying power than Reading's entertainment scene.
Reading sits perfectly in that "Alabama in the middle" section of Pennsylvania that everyone jokes about. It's too far from Philly to matter and too irrelevant for Pittsburgh to acknowledge. You're literally living in the geographical equivalent of being left on read – fitting name, tragic reality.
When your biggest annual event is celebrating dumplings made from fruit, you've already lost the culture war. Reading throws festivals for everything from apple dumplings to jingle bells because apparently when you have nothing interesting happening, you just make up holidays. At least the haunted attractions are honest about being scary – unlike the rest of the city pretending to be worth visiting.
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