OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
In 1916, Kingsport residents literally demanded the execution of a circus elephant named Mary, who was then publicly hanged by railroad crane in nearby Erwin. Nothing says "sophisticated small-town values" like mob justice against a traumatized animal. The fact that this is their most famous historical event says everything about their priorities.
Kingsport is home to Eastman Chemical, which has been violating federal air quality standards for over a decade while regularly showering neighborhoods with asbestos and toxic debris. They built the Black community of Riverview literally on top of a toxic waste dump. When your main employer's business model is "controlled poisoning," maybe reconsider the economic development strategy.
With a whopping 91.8% white population, Kingsport makes Wonder Bread look ethnically diverse. They're so homogeneous that finding someone who isn't related to the founding families is considered exotic. The most diversity they see is choosing between regular and diet Mountain Dew at the gas station.
Kingsport desperately brands itself as the "largest" of the Tri-Cities, which is like being the tallest kid in kindergarten. While Bristol has NASCAR and Johnson City has a university, Kingsport has... a chemical plant that periodically explodes. Nothing screams "we matter too" like constantly reminding everyone you're technically the biggest failure in a group of failures.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
Be the first to judge
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM KINGSPORT
Every share moves Kingsport, Tennessee up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when Kingsport, Tennessee gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →ALSO ROASTED
All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.