OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
So proud they invented the tow truck that they built a whole museum for it - because nothing says 'we've made it' like celebrating mechanical failure. The International Towing and Recovery Hall of Fame sits right there in downtown, basically a monument to everyone's worst Tuesday.
The rich live on Signal and Lookout Mountains looking down on the valley peasants with their fancy cars and conservative attitudes. It's like a socioeconomic sandwich where the bread thinks it's too good for the filling, and everyone pretends this isn't the most obvious class divide since the Titanic.
Home to the Moon Pie - a depression-era snack literally invented for coal miners who wanted something 'as big as the moon' - but now desperate to be taken seriously with MICHELIN-recommended restaurants. It's like putting a tuxedo on a gas station hot dog and calling it fine dining.
They call themselves the 'Scenic City' but conveniently forget that in 1969 the federal government declared Chattanooga had the worst air quality in the entire nation. Those mountains that provide the 'scenic' backdrop also trapped all the industrial pollution like a beautiful, toxic snow globe.
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All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.