OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Hermitage peaked in 1845 when Andrew Jackson died in it and never recovered. Now it's just another sprawling Nashville suburb trying to squeeze every drop of relevance from a dead president's mansion while drowning in chain restaurants and traffic lights that last longer than Jackson's presidency.
Residents complain about sitting in their cars for half an hour counting traffic at a single intersection. The I-40 corridor through Hermitage has more congestion than a Civil War battlefield, except at least those ended eventually.
The culinary highlight is Dusit Thai restaurant because apparently even Hermitage residents got tired of Famous Dave's barbecue and whatever passes for local cuisine. When your most adventurous food option is pad thai, you know you're living in suburban purgatory.
Hermitage Golf Course features "free-range sheep that roam the fairways" because nothing says premium public golf like dodging livestock. It's Tennessee's top-rated public course, which is like being the tallest building in a strip mall parking lot.
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