OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Pennsylvania's capital city has become such a notorious cesspool of corruption that they literally had to install bronze plaques next to legislators' portraits commemorating their conviction dates. When your statehouse is nicknamed a "lawless landfill" and "Harrisburg is a trigger word for nausea," you know you've achieved peak governmental dysfunction. This is where lawmakers sneak through pay raises at 2 AM without debate because apparently stealing taxpayer money requires vampire hours.
Harrisburg is so forgettable that even Pennsylvanians pretend it doesn't exist, with Philadelphia magazines literally suggesting the city should secede from the state rather than deal with the capital's problems. The state government is such a known harbor for corruption that maybe other states are just better at covering up their crooked politicians. Your biggest claim to fame is being the place where good intentions go to get bribed.
Harrisburg perfectly embodies that awkward middle zone between Philadelphia's urban chaos and Pittsburgh's steel town grit – except instead of getting the best of both worlds, you got stuck with neither city's charm and all of rural Pennsylvania's backwards politics. You're literally the government seat of "Alabama without black people," which is both geographically inaccurate and culturally devastating.
Your city is where lawmakers go "with the notion of changing the culture" only to get immediately corrupted by the gift-giving scandals and backroom deals that define your political scene. Even after 20 years of "reform," activists describe your government as "corruption, lies and sewage" – which honestly sounds like a more accurate city motto than whatever inspirational nonsense you currently have on the welcome signs.
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