Roasted Mar 10, 202694 views94 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Congratulations, you live in a place so scorching that a guy dug underground gardens just to escape the heat! While everyone else vacations in Yosemite, Fresnans vacation in their basements. Even the raisins are trying to get out of the sun.
Your city's biggest cultural achievement is dried fruit, and somehow you're still not the most dehydrated thing in town. Your county grows the raisins, and the famous raisin box comes from next door in Kingsburg, which is fitting since that's the only box anyone associates with Fresno. At least grapes had potential before they met your climate.
Fresno State fans are so desperate for relevance they treat every Boise State game like the Super Bowl. The most exciting thing about your football team is that they occasionally play on TV so the rest of America can remember Fresno exists. Your mascot is a bulldog, which makes sense - both are known for heavy breathing in hot weather.
You know you've made it when comedians use your city name as a setup. Fresno is so forgettable that when people ask where you're from, you just point vaguely toward the Central Valley and change the subject. Even your own residents flee to San Francisco, then reluctantly come back like it's witness protection.
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