Roasted 2w ago25 views25 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Clarksville is the fifth-largest city in Tennessee, and its entire personality is 'the place next to the Army base.' You're a 166,000-person Hampton Inn for the 101st Airborne. Half the town came here on orders, and the other half is still trying to figure out how to leave.
Your main commercial road is named after an Olympic sprinter and is so jammed on weekends that every soldier on a PCS learns the back roads within a week. Nothing says irony like a boulevard honoring the fastest woman in the world where nobody can move faster than a parking lot. Wilma would've lapped every Buick on that road before the light changed.
The city's most beloved landmark is a giant pink elephant bolted to a roadside lot, because apparently a regular elephant wasn't tacky enough. Jimi Hendrix was stationed at Fort Campbell, and the Army sent him packing with a discharge because he was a bad soldier. That's right, Jimi would go on to set a guitar on fire at Monterey, and he still looked like the better soldier compared to this town's idea of a celebrity.
Your dining scene is so thin that Cracker Barrel, a chain restaurant with a rocking chair porch and corporate headquarters in Lebanon, counts as a local highlight. Meanwhile, your downtown pride and joy is a three-story restaurant pouring beer brewed by NASCAR's Michael Waltrip. Nothing says 'culinary destination' like a Golden Ale you can only brag about to 19-year-olds.
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