Roasted Apr 18, 202699 views99 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Oh look, another city calling itself 'Hollywood East' because they filmed some Nicholas Sparks tearjerker here. You've earned the nickname 'Wilmywood' with 400+ film and TV projects, featuring blockbusters like 'Iron Man 3' and romantic dramas like 'Safe Haven.' Nothing screams 'big time' like being the discount alternative to Atlanta's film industry.
Your downtown sits on the Cape Fear River serving as offices, restaurants, and tourist attractions, all wrapped around a river whose name is a warning label. Nothing says 'welcome, visitors' like naming your front yard after dread. When the river is called Cape Fear, that's not a tourism slogan, that's a public safety announcement.
The Pilot House restaurant offers a 'quintessential Southern coastal menu' on the Cape Fear River. Your idea of sophisticated dining is putting mayonnaise-cheese spread on crackers and calling it coastal cuisine. Southern coastal fine dining is basically deep-fried cornmeal balls with a river view.
With a rich history dating back centuries, Wilmington has earned its reputation as one of the most actively haunted cities in the South. Your biggest tourism draw is convincing people that dead folks are so miserable here they refuse to leave. The Haunted Pub Crawl peddles tales of murder, mystery and tavern-keeping tough women who handled unruly patrons without mercy. When your city's claim to fame is centuries of suffering souls, maybe it's time for some urban planning.
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