OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Oh look, another city calling itself 'Hollywood East' because they filmed some Nicholas Sparks tearjerker here. You've earned the nickname 'Wilmywood' with 400+ film and TV projects, featuring blockbusters like 'Iron Man 3' and romantic dramas like 'Safe Haven.' Nothing screams 'big time' like being the discount alternative to Atlanta's film industry.
Your downtown sits on the Cape Fear River serving as offices, restaurants, and tourist attractions, but it's filled with homelessness and people looking to make quick money by hurting or stealing from you at night. Even your own residents warn people to stay on the east side of town. When locals are telling tourists to avoid half your city, that's not a tourism slogan—that's a public safety announcement.
The Pilot House restaurant offers 'quintessential Southern coastal menu' where you start with pimento cheese appetizer. Your idea of sophisticated dining is putting mayonnaise-cheese spread on crackers and calling it coastal cuisine. At least the locals recommend trying the hush puppies - because nothing says fine dining like deep-fried cornmeal balls.
With a rich history dating back centuries, Wilmington has earned its reputation as one of the most actively haunted cities in the South. Your biggest tourism draw is convincing people that dead folks are so miserable here they refuse to leave. The Haunted Pub Crawl reveals tales of murder, mystery and locals like Gallus Meg, a tough bartender known for her unconventional way of handling unruly patrons. When your city's claim to fame is centuries of suffering souls, maybe it's time for some urban planning.
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