OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Dartmouth offers free tuition to any Wheelock resident, but only 10 people have used it since 1890. That's not because the scholarship is exclusive – it's because literally nobody wants to live in a town where the biggest claim to fame is a hotel murder from 1896. Your town is so forgettable that even free Ivy League education can't convince people to stay.
With 759 people spread across 40 square miles, Wheelock has the population density of a wildlife preserve. The median age is 52.5 years because anyone under 30 fled to civilization the moment they got their driver's license. You're not a quaint small town – you're a geriatric ward with a zip code.
Your biggest 'attraction' is a pond farm that doesn't even have its own website. While the rest of Vermont gets Ben & Jerry's and craft breweries, Wheelock's tourism board proudly lists 'Flagg Pond' as a destination. That's not tourism – that's just pointing at water and hoping someone cares.
You named your highest peak after your own town because even your mountains lack imagination. At 2,782 feet, Wheelock Mountain is what other states would call a decent hill. It's the geographical equivalent of your entire existence – technically there, but nobody's impressed.
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