Roasted Apr 21, 202699 views99 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Dartmouth was chartered with Wheelock's name attached to it, and the town got a college namesake for its trouble. That's not a scholarship, it's a naming credit, and it's the closest your town has ever come to the Ivy League. Your town is so forgettable that even a founder's name couldn't convince people to stay.
With 759 people spread across 24 square miles, Wheelock has the population density of a wildlife preserve. The median age skews old because anyone under 30 fled to civilization the moment they got their driver's license. You're not a quaint small town – you're a geriatric ward with a zip code.
Your biggest 'attraction' is a pond. While the rest of Vermont gets Ben & Jerry's and craft breweries, Wheelock points at Flagg Pond and calls it a destination. That's not tourism – that's just pointing at water and hoping someone cares.
You named a mountain after your own town because even your mountains lack imagination. Wheelock Mountain is what other states would call a decent hill. It's the geographical equivalent of your entire existence – technically there, but nobody's impressed.
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