Roasted 1w ago23 views23 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Salem has a Jan Brady complex so bad that Portland gets the weird and Eugene gets the hippies, while Salem gets mistaken for the Massachusetts one and a lecture about witch trials. You're a state capital of 175,000 people, and the most exciting thing you've done lately is get confused with a town that hanged people in 1692. Even your own nickname is 'Cherry City,' which sounds like a discount lip balm.
The Oregon State Capitol is topped by a giant gold pioneer, and locals worship it like the city has a patron saint of flannel and manifest destiny. The building is Art Deco, so it looks like a 1930s bank that went into politics, which is fitting because the whole downtown is lawyers and lobbyists in lanyards. Salem's idea of nightlife is watching a legislator order a second Pinot.
Salem's greatest contribution to American culture is Kettle Chips, which is a bag of crunchy regret you finish alone in the car. You've got more drive-through coffee stands than a Dutch Bros investor could dream of, and one dispensary for every 1.5 gas stations, so everyone's caffeinated, baked, and still somehow slow.
Salem will stand outside a converted house for an hour for brunch at Word of Mouth, then call it 'part of the ritual' like it's a religious pilgrimage. Locals will tell you the food scene is 'quietly excellent,' which is what you say about a restaurant scene that peaked at a crème brûlée French toast. You're 47 miles from Portland and you have never once stopped talking about it, or about how you're not Portland.
Be the first to judge
Every share moves Salem, Oregon up the leaderboard
Put Salem in the ring with a rival. Four rounds, one survivor.
Or settle it with a neighbor:
The best roasts every Friday, delivered with mild apologies. Plus a heads-up when Salem, Oregon gets hit again.
Want to win prizes? Join the contest →All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.