OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Welcome to the magical place where your San Francisco salary meets Oregon reality. You'll pay $726k for a house that would cost $200k in Kansas, then congratulate yourself for "finding a deal" while the barista who can't afford to live here anymore serves your $7 oat milk latte. At least the bankruptcy comes with mountain views!
Moving to Bend instantly issues you three things: a Subaru Outback, a Patagonia puffer vest, and the unshakeable belief that you're "outdoorsy" because you hiked to Pilot Butte once. You'll join the army of weekend warriors who talk endlessly about trail conditions while actual locals can't afford to live here anymore thanks to your housing budget.
Home to Deschutes Brewery and a dozen other microbreweries, because nothing says "local culture" like $15 IPAs served to tourists who gentrified your town. The food cart pods are perfect for eating your feelings about spending $2,750 for a 500-square-foot studio. At least the craft beer helps wash down the taste of displacement.
Nothing says authentic Oregon culture like writing strongly-worded notes instead of direct confrontation. Bend locals have perfected the art of the fake smile while secretly plotting which transplant parked in "their" spot. They'll enthusiastically recommend you try mountain biking, then whisper about how you're ruining their secret trails. The ultimate Oregon experience: being politely despised.
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