OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Port Washington banned balls at their middle school because kids kept getting hurt. This place literally could not handle children playing with spherical objects. When your town's claim to fame is being too fragile for dodgeball, you've officially become the participation trophy capital of Long Island.
Your entire town sits on the remains of a sand mine that built Manhattan's skyscrapers. So while you're sipping overpriced coffee and pretending to be sophisticated, you're literally living on a hole in the ground that was strip-mined for concrete. Even your foundation is borrowed from somewhere more important.
You're the last stop on the train line because even the LIRR gave up trying to extend further. While Great Neck gets the respect and double tracks, Port Washington sits at the end of a single track like the forgotten stepchild. Your train literally dead-ends because there's nowhere else worth going.
Urban Dictionary calls your Taco Bell "the most amazing known to man kind" and that's genuinely the highest praise your food scene gets. You have waterfront dining and French bistros, but locals still think processed cheese and mystery meat wrapped in a tortilla represents peak cuisine. Even your own residents know better.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
Be the first to judge
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM PORT WASHINGTON
Every share moves Port Washington, New York up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when Port Washington, New York gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →ALSO ROASTED
All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.