OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
New Windsor proudly claims Abstract Expressionist painter Clyfford Still lived here, selling one painting for $28 million. Meanwhile, the town has 1,441 residents who apparently peaked culturally in 1927 when the Dielman Inn closed. You've got a mansion tour by reservation only because even dead artists need advance notice to deal with New Windsor's excitement levels.
Originally called Sulphur Springs for medicinal waters, the town was founded to profit from wagon trail junctions. Now it's just another bedroom community where residents drive 48 minutes to actual jobs. They traded healing springs for a 90-minute roundtrip commute to anywhere that matters.
The New Windsor Heritage Museum showcases Civil War artifacts in a building from 1802, staffed by volunteers. They host an annual Heritage Days festival to celebrate their history. Nothing says 'we've given up on the future' like a town whose biggest annual event is literally called Heritage Days run by unpaid enthusiasts.
New Windsor boasts 99.8% U.S. citizens with zero households speaking non-English at home. With a median home value of $374,000 and 89.7% homeownership. Congratulations, you've created the most homogeneous expensive suburb where everyone speaks English and nobody has anything interesting to say.
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