Roasted Mar 22, 2026139 views139 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
New London calls itself historic, but its entire personality is a Coast Guard Academy and a view of the submarines across the river in Groton. When your biggest cultural export is letting tourists squint at military boats from the wrong side of the Thames, maybe it's time to rethink the marketing strategy. The whaling-port glory days ended a century and a half ago, and the town has been dining out on them ever since.
Sure, New London is about 30% Hispanic and super diverse, but what good is cultural richness when your school system is a disaster and there's literally nothing for kids to do? It's like being the most interesting person at the world's most boring party. Even the high school football games are the most exciting thing on the calendar, and that's the saddest part.
Everyone raves about Captain Scott's Lobster Dock like it's some hidden gem, but it's just overpriced seafood on a Thames River dock, picnic tables and all. When your fine dining scene peaks at lobster rolls and clam fritters, you know you're scraping the bottom of Long Island Sound.
New London: Come for the Thames River waterfront, stay because your car got broken into twice and you're too broke to leave. Nothing says 'charming coastal town' like halfway houses, sketchy side streets, and a ferry terminal that exists mainly so people can leave for Block Island. At least the Coast Guard's here to rescue your hopes and dreams.
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