OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
New London calls itself historic but it's literally just Coast Guard Academy and submarine tourism. When your biggest cultural export is letting tourists peek at military boats, maybe it's time to rethink the marketing strategy. At least the aquarium stereotype is accurate—that's about as deep as this place gets.
Sure, New London is 40% Hispanic and super diverse, but what good is cultural richness when your school system is a disaster and there's literally nothing for kids to do? It's like being the most interesting person at the world's most boring party. Even the parents throw fists at high school games—the entertainment writes itself.
Everyone raves about Captain Scott's Lobster Dock like it's some hidden gem, but it's just overpriced seafood next to a Coast Guard base. When your fine dining scene peaks at lobster rolls and clam fritters, you know you're scraping the bottom of Long Island Sound.
New London: Come for the Thames River waterfront, stay because your car got broken into twice and you're too broke to leave. Nothing says 'charming coastal town' like halfway houses, safe injection sites, and shootings on Blackhall Street. At least the Coast Guard's here to rescue your hopes and dreams.
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
Be the first to judge
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM NEW LONDON
Every share moves New London, Connecticut up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when New London, Connecticut gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.