OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Look, Sally's and Pepe's make great apizza, but half these kids thought pizza was invented in Connecticut until they went home for Thanksgiving. Meanwhile they're paying $80k a year to argue about whether it's pronounced 'ah-beetz' while standing in 2-hour lines like it's the soup kitchen of the Ivy League.
Frank Pepe's, Sally's, and Modern have convinced an entire city that waiting 3 hours for coal-fired dough is a personality trait. These people will literally drive from Boston just to stand outside in December, clutching their Yale sweatshirts, pretending this is somehow superior to ordering Domino's like a rational human being.
Two blocks of the most overrated real estate in America, where grown adults have generational blood feuds over whether Sally's char is better than Pepe's clam pie. Meanwhile the rest of Connecticut is just happy they don't live in Hartford or Waterbury, which locals describe as 'Detroit.'
New Haven perfectly captures the American dream: beautiful Gothic architecture surrounded by neighborhoods that make Yale students sprint to their dorms after dark. It's like someone built Harvard in Camden and called it a day. But hey, at least the pizza's worth the mugging risk, right?
HOW ACCURATE IS THIS ROAST?
Be the first to judge
READ THE FULL BLOG POST
The in-depth story behind this roast
SEND THIS TO SOMEONE FROM NEW HAVEN
Every share moves New Haven, Connecticut up the leaderboard
STAY IN THE LOOP
Get the best roasts delivered, and know when New Haven, Connecticut gets hit again.
🏆 WANT TO WIN PRIZES? JOIN THE CONTEST →All roasts are fictional and affectionate. Probably.