OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Juneau is so remote they've watched two McDonald's locations, Taco Bell, Burger King, and Wendy's all give up and flee. Even corporate fast food said 'nah, we're good' to being Alaska's capital. The only chain that thrives? Subway, because apparently nothing says governmental power like a sad turkey sandwich.
Imagine being so isolated that your own state wants to move the capital away from you. Juneau has no roads connecting it to anywhere, so everything arrives by barge or plane like it's 1890. They literally had to debate whether to relocate the capital because nobody can figure out how to drive there for government business.
Nothing screams 'cultural refinement' like starting your morning with Rudolph's cousin on a plate. Local restaurants proudly serve reindeer sausage like it's some gourmet delicacy instead of admitting they've run out of normal breakfast meat. Even their 'fancy' food scene revolves around what they can catch or shoot.
When your city gets so depressing that Parks & Recreation has to start a daily joke hotline just to keep residents from crying, you might have a weather problem. They literally had a government department telling jokes every morning because apparently that's what it takes to survive 230 days of rain per year in America's 'scenic' capital.
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