OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Wichita calls itself the 'Air Capital of the World' but cut its football program in 1986 because nobody showed up to games at Cessna Stadium. You built planes for decades but couldn't figure out how to get people in the stands. Even your mascot WuShock looks like he's been through multiple plane crashes - which explains the constant redesigns.
Nu Way Cafe has been serving 'crumbly burgers' since 1930, and locals still can't decide if they're sandwiches or burgers. It's ground beef that falls apart in your hands like your city's attempt at relevance. You've been perfecting a sloppy joe without the sauce for 94 years - truly the pinnacle of Midwestern cuisine innovation.
Your sports teams are named after college kids who worked wheat fields for tuition money in 1904, and somehow that's still the most exciting thing about Wichita athletics. The basketball team made one Final Four run in 2013, and the city hasn't stopped talking about it like it was yesterday. At least WuShock's multiple facelifts show more character development than your sports programs.
You built a 44-foot statue at the confluence of two rivers that most people can't pronounce, and it's still only the second most interesting landmark after a troll under a grate. The Keeper watches over a city so forgettable that people confuse it with Wichita Falls, Texas. Even your own residents create 'ruts' across town because driving five miles feels like crossing state lines.
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