Roasted Apr 24, 2026134 views134 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
D.C. turned mumbo sauce from a carryout staple to Hamilton restaurant menu fodder faster than you could say "food truck gentrification." Now you pay $14 for wings with the same sauce that costs 30 cents at the Chinese carryout, but at least the plexiglass barrier has been replaced with exposed brick walls.
You've got a Metro with a 2-minute escalator ride at Wheaton that you still manage to get stuck behind someone on, constant Metro fires, and somehow everyone's an expert on foreign policy. Half the city can't figure out why you stand right and walk left, but they're convinced they could fix healthcare in a PowerPoint deck.
You went from being the cultural heartbeat of Black America to a place where trust fund kids cosplay as government interns while actual Washingtonians get priced out to Prince George's County. Now the only thing chocolate about D.C. is the overpriced artisanal brownies at Georgetown cupcake shops.
The Commanders are on their third name since the Redskins era, and that's still more consistent than Congress changing its mind. Your baseball team won a World Series in 2019 and has spent every year since reminding you it was a fluke. At least the Capitals and Mystics gave you banners to hang so you could pretend sports matter here between arguing about municipal budgets.
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