Edinburgh vs. Hamilton
Castle on a Hill vs. Mausoleum Next to a Retail Park
Edinburgh is Scotland's capital, a UNESCO-listed postcard that charges you £9 for a coffee. Hamilton is the 9th-biggest town in Scotland, best known for a demolished palace and a very large tomb. Fight.
In this corner
Edinburgh
3
And in this corner
Hamilton
1
- Round 1HISTORY
EdinburghSurvives
Edinburgh has a castle on an extinct volcano, the Royal Mile and centuries of royalty, and locals still sell it to you as shortbread tins with Princess Diana on them.
Hamilton
Hamilton once had the largest non-royal house in the Western world, then let it sink into its own mine workings and demolished it in the 1920s. The big attraction is now a mausoleum that locals say looks like something rude.
Edinburgh's history is still standing. Hamilton's is a car park and a bowling green.
- Round 2WEATHER
EdinburghSurvives
Edinburgh is windy enough to be compared to Chicago. Locals shake a monsoon off their brolly, shout 'What a day!' at the bus stop, and then complain about the one week of sun.
Hamilton
Hamilton gets the same Scottish drizzle, but nobody posts it on Instagram. It rains on the Palace Grounds retail park with no castle in the background.
Both get soaked, but Edinburgh at least gets a dramatic haar and a view.
- Round 3SPORTS
EdinburghSurvives
Edinburgh picks Hibs or Hearts and then suffers for it. Both clubs have spent decades making supporters hand over money for heartbreak.
Hamilton
Hamilton Accies, the only pro club in Britain that began as a school team, finished 9th of 10 in League One. Their fans are described as 'A Hardy Few', and half the town takes the train to Glasgow to support the Old Firm instead.
Hibs and Hearts fans hurt each other. Hamilton's own townspeople are supporting someone else.
- Round 4PEOPLE
Edinburgh
Edinburgh residents survive August with noise-cancelling headphones and a tactical escape to the west coast. They also say 'Princes Street' through gritted teeth when you call it 'Princess', and they still moan about the trams.
HamiltonSurvives
Hamilton people are 'your average Scottish town', according to their own fans. They get a Vue cinema, the M74 on the doorstep and 'Fuck Motherwell' as their civic motto.
Edinburgh's smugness and complaining got it caught. Hamilton's honest shrug and its hatred of Motherwell make it the more likeable of the two.
The verdict
Edinburgh wins, 3–1.
Edinburgh wins because it has a castle, a Fringe and a tram line. Hamilton has a tomb, a Vue and an away end full of nobody.
Who really won?
The judge has spoken. Now you do.
Send this to someone from Edinburgh or Hamilton
Start the group chat war