Roasted 1w ago16 views16 pts
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
You sit on the biggest stock exchange on the continent and the 'City of Gold,' yet your entire personality is checking an app to see if the power's off. Eskom turned darkness into a schedule, and you responded by buying generators, inverters, and headlamps like a whole city auditioning for a mining accident. A city of gold, and everyone's eating supper cold by candlelight.
Gauteng's roads department keeps promising that potholes will be a thing of the past, and every driver reading that promise is currently mid-swerve around a crater. Joburg drivers don't navigate, they slalom through craters that Botswana and Zimbabwe are watching on TikTok with sympathy. 'Five minutes away' means forty, depending on traffic and which suspension you're prepared to sacrifice.
Joburg's wealthy built a fortress of walls, razor wire, and electric fences, then handed the power supply to Eskom. Every load-shedding window, your burglar alarm dies, the fence becomes a decorative wire, and the streetlights go black in the crime capital you swore you'd secured. Nothing says 'security' like a two-hour window where your entire defence plan is hoping the criminals also have a load-shedding schedule.
Joburg smells like woodsmoke every weekend because everyone is braaiing, and God forbid you call it a barbecue, because it's 'a social institution' now. Meanwhile your greatest culinary export is the kota, a quarter loaf stuffed with chips, polony, and Russian sausage, and you hype it like it's the Olympics of street food. The pap is bland by design, the boerewors is doing all the work, and you're all just sitting around a fire pretending the power cut was a lifestyle choice.
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