Estes Park, Colorado

Roasted 1w ago19 views19 pts

We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.

PEOPLE

The elk live here, you're just paying rent

Estes Park is an elk preserve with a gift shop attached, and every September the real residents come down for the rut while you sit in an 'elkjam' because some guy from Texas stopped to photograph a cow grazing 80 yards off the road. One bull wandered into the Water Wheel Gift Corner and browsed the merchandise, which makes him the only visitor in town history who didn't complain about the prices. Tourists treat these 700-pound animals like stuffed toys, and honestly, natural selection deserves a seat at the town council meeting.

HISTORY

Stephen king had one bad night, you made it a brand

Your whole personality is that Stephen King got spooked in Room 217 in 1974, when he and his wife were the only guests in a nearly empty hotel. You light the place up red, sell ghost tours and séances, and bring in the crowds for a movie that wasn't even filmed there. Kubrick shot The Shining in an English studio and a lodge in Oregon, and you've been selling his movie anyway like a cousin claiming credit for the family reunion.

VIBES

Locals hate tourists, but tourists are the entire economy

Your own reviews say the town 'only accommodates tourists in the summer,' and the locals grumble about everything from crowds to paid parking, which is a bold take from a place whose biggest crisis is a parking app. Complaining locals are the town's own worst review, so the call is coming from inside the gift shop. You bite the hand that feeds you, then charge that hand $14 for fudge.

FOOD

Saltwater taffy in the rockies, are you lost?

Estes Park sits at 7,500 feet in the Rocky Mountains and its candy windows are stacked with saltwater taffy, a candy named for an ocean you're hundreds of miles from. Elkhorn Avenue is a mile of fudge shops, T-shirt stores, and antler-themed everything, all selling the same taffy to people who drove a couple of hours from Denver to see nature and are now standing indoors. Meanwhile the town Safeway is where locals actually suffer, because it's the one place in the valley the elk haven't managed to fix.

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The elk live here, you're just paying rent

Stephen king had one bad night, you made it a brand

Locals hate tourists, but tourists are the entire economy

Saltwater taffy in the rockies, are you lost?