OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Congratulations on being New Hampshire's political center, where the most exciting thing happening is watching paint dry on that golden dome while politicians argue about granite quarrying regulations. Your biggest claim to fame is hosting the first primary that Iowa keeps trying to steal, and honestly, they can have it.
Oh wow, Revival Kitchen sources locally! How revolutionary for a town surrounded by farms with literally nothing else to do. Your 'diverse culinary scene' peaks at apple cider donuts and clam chowder, while locals brag about that one boba tea place like it's the pinnacle of cosmopolitan dining.
Your Main Street was designed for horse-drawn carriages and apparently your collective self-importance still requires that much space. You're so proud of your 'picturesque' downtown that you forgot to actually put anything interesting there besides tourists taking selfies with the State House.
You named yourself the Granite State but Vermont actually has more granite than you do. It's like calling yourself the Smart State when Massachusetts exists right next door. At least when your precious Old Man of the Mountain finally gave up and fell off the cliff, it saved everyone the embarrassment.
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