OFFICIAL ROAST REPORT
We're sorry. Actually, no we're not.
Named after a majestic ancient Greek city because some congressman was feeling fancy in 1854, but ended up becoming a 1.17 square mile testament to broken dreams. The only epic thing about this place is how epically disappointing it must be to share a name with actual Argos.
Argos has fewer people than most college dorms, and somehow manages to be less exciting. With a median income of $35,000 and 18.9% living in poverty, this town is basically what happens when ambition gets lost on the Michigan Road and decides to just... stay lost.
Argos High School calls themselves the Dragons, which is adorable considering they're about as fierce as a wet napkin. Playing sports in a town where the biggest excitement is arguing whether to demolish another historic building for a gas station parking lot.
The dining scene peaked at Old 31 Tavern and a handful of places that make residents so desperate they actually review gas station food positively. When your town's restaurant scene can be fully experienced in one afternoon, you know you've hit rock bottom.
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